We'll Miss You Dad

Realized I didn't post anything in the month of October. That would be because things became so busy with my Dad. He declined dramatically due to progression of his metastatic prostate cancer, and I took a LOA from work to help take care of him. He died on October 22, 2009. My siblings and I helped Mom care for him at home with the help of Kansas City Hospice and Palliative Care (my workplace). It is soooo different being on the other end. I will never look at the families that I serve at work the same way. I go back to work tomorrow- not sure how it will go considering I'm still dealing with death and dying and just went through it with my own Dad. Dad was diagnosed back in 12/06, so he made it a little less than 3 years following the diagnosis of Stage IV disease. He did struggle at times in those last 3 weeks with pain, anxiety, and terminal restlessness, but did become comfortable with the right mix of medications.



Even though I wasn't working, it was hard juggling needs of my own family with being there for my parents. On the brief periods that I came home to see Jordon, he didn't want much to do with me. Since I had been gone so much, Don became his constant and all he wanted was "DaDa". Things are getting back to normal though now, although I think my favorite status has diminished and Don can now claim that. Although we weren't really ready for Dad to go (how can you ever really be ready?), I am glad we kept him at home and I have no regrets. Although it was diffiult at times for Don and I to juggle our own family issues, it was worthwhile--I think Dad felt safe knowing that I was there because I usually knew what to do when he had a problem, and he would ask family members from time to time if I was still there. He told me numerous times over the past few months and especially the last 3 weeks "I don't know what we'd do without you". That says a lot coming from a private man who rarely shared his feelings with us throughout our lives. That's just how he was- we knew we were loved and that he was proud of us, but we didn't hear it from him. While he could still communicate, he also recognized which of his children were present, and would ask about the ones who weren't there, and seemed to be at peace when he was told when they would be coming. He was still able to look out the big window in the living room to see Tim coming in with the combine, or tractor- carrying on his work in the fields. He was able to hear about his cattle check coming, and how the majority of the cattle he shipped this last time were either "choice" or "prime" status (that brought a smile to his face). He also got to hear about friends calling and their messages- including some that said "Your Dad is the nicest man I've ever met". We heard that many times from people who called or came to the visitation. One friend of Dad's from the creamery, where he worked 50 years ago came to pay his respects. Many people in the community talked about the wonderful person that my Dad was and how he'll be missed- it made us proud to hear those stories.



I'm sure the next few weeks, months, and years will hold a lot of adapting for all of us. I found myself while at my parents after he had died in some way expecting him to come in through the garage door, take off his workboots, and sit down at the kitchen table like he always did. It caught me off guard seeing Dad before the visitation as it didn't look like him at all. It also feels really strange to say "We're going to visit Dad's grave". We will miss his laughter, stories, and presence. But I do know that a part of him will always be with us, and although Jordon is very young, he knows Grandpa and we'll make sure that Dad's legacy continues on in our family. We love you Dad.